You do not seek death, but neither do you fear it
This is a subject that's been rattling around in my brain for a while. It started months ago when I watched "The Last Samurai" (my all-time favorite movie, not the best movie, but my favorite). I've battled suicide on a number of different fronts in life, but never directly on the front lines. I've talked friends out of it, and even called the police on a friend who had a weapon, motive, and time worked out, but I've never considered it for myself. I've lost a couple of battles with this particular demon as well, and if anything that has steeled my resolve even further.
One loss was a high school friend who decided to end his life his 1st year in college after breaking up with a girlfriend, and another was a high school English teacher who was much beloved by many students (I was NOT one of those ironically). In both cases I was stunned by the incredible potential that this world had been robbed of, and what a better place this was when these two lives participated in them. My friend was very popular in the school, made friends easily, and was always a positive influence in everything he touched. My teacher pushed students to sometimes impossible tasks (which they sometimes still achieved), and more importantly taught people how to think for themselves. Critical thinking skills are more crucial in today's world than ever, so his loss was a great blow to a number of lives.
The ironic piece of this loss was that the day before he swallowed a shot-gun barrel, 4 of us went bowling with him and his 3 kids. We were very impressed with how affectionate and loving he was with them (something I was incapable of fully appreciating at the time). It turned out that this was his way of saying goodbye. The four of us were asked by his children to go bowling with them once more. That was an odd and morbid experience, the less spoken of the better. Suffice to say that I got to know 3 children who would be growing up without a father figure in their lives (an experience I was familiar with), and I was struck again by how much potential could be snuffed out and lost by one person deciding to remove themselves from this world.
So why do I dwell on this now? I've been discussing the difference between 'living' and 'existing' with an on-line friend who has been so scarred from a break up that he feels his existence is empty of any meaning. This would usually raise some red flags, but I don't think so in this case. He's not really suicidal at all. Pained, yes. Scarred, yes. Has difficulty in seeing any point in life, yes. But he really wouldn't seek to end his existence for anything. He has what some may call a warrior mentality. And this can only be best described by the title phrase, "You do not seek death, but neither do you fear it." And THAT phrase can be best understood in the context of the movie. In this my on-line friend and I are very similar, yet strikingly different. Where he has trouble moving forward in life, I can see nothing else BUT to move forward. Why the difference? I have some suspicions.
We've both been hurt in life, and have both come to terms with it. We have a great peace within ourselves that can't be taken away by anything. We know who and what we are, what we stand for, and we are secure in that knowledge and understanding. We could be struck by lightning tomorrow and not feel remorseful about what we could have/should have done with ourselves. But while for him that is enough, for me there is more to experienced here, to be shared, to be given and passed on as a legacy. I want to leave a mark in my passing, to be remembered as someone who touched some lives in a positive way. I'm not sure he feels that same drive. Now all I have to do is ask him why.
-H-
One loss was a high school friend who decided to end his life his 1st year in college after breaking up with a girlfriend, and another was a high school English teacher who was much beloved by many students (I was NOT one of those ironically). In both cases I was stunned by the incredible potential that this world had been robbed of, and what a better place this was when these two lives participated in them. My friend was very popular in the school, made friends easily, and was always a positive influence in everything he touched. My teacher pushed students to sometimes impossible tasks (which they sometimes still achieved), and more importantly taught people how to think for themselves. Critical thinking skills are more crucial in today's world than ever, so his loss was a great blow to a number of lives.
The ironic piece of this loss was that the day before he swallowed a shot-gun barrel, 4 of us went bowling with him and his 3 kids. We were very impressed with how affectionate and loving he was with them (something I was incapable of fully appreciating at the time). It turned out that this was his way of saying goodbye. The four of us were asked by his children to go bowling with them once more. That was an odd and morbid experience, the less spoken of the better. Suffice to say that I got to know 3 children who would be growing up without a father figure in their lives (an experience I was familiar with), and I was struck again by how much potential could be snuffed out and lost by one person deciding to remove themselves from this world.
So why do I dwell on this now? I've been discussing the difference between 'living' and 'existing' with an on-line friend who has been so scarred from a break up that he feels his existence is empty of any meaning. This would usually raise some red flags, but I don't think so in this case. He's not really suicidal at all. Pained, yes. Scarred, yes. Has difficulty in seeing any point in life, yes. But he really wouldn't seek to end his existence for anything. He has what some may call a warrior mentality. And this can only be best described by the title phrase, "You do not seek death, but neither do you fear it." And THAT phrase can be best understood in the context of the movie. In this my on-line friend and I are very similar, yet strikingly different. Where he has trouble moving forward in life, I can see nothing else BUT to move forward. Why the difference? I have some suspicions.
We've both been hurt in life, and have both come to terms with it. We have a great peace within ourselves that can't be taken away by anything. We know who and what we are, what we stand for, and we are secure in that knowledge and understanding. We could be struck by lightning tomorrow and not feel remorseful about what we could have/should have done with ourselves. But while for him that is enough, for me there is more to experienced here, to be shared, to be given and passed on as a legacy. I want to leave a mark in my passing, to be remembered as someone who touched some lives in a positive way. I'm not sure he feels that same drive. Now all I have to do is ask him why.
-H-
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