For as long as ye both shall live
So in the past week I've heard of a couple of marriages dissolving. This shouldn't come as much of a shock. Half of all marriages in this country don't go the distance. My parents divorced, my wife's parents divorced, both sets of parents went on to marry again successfully. I should be able look at this with a certain amount of dispassion (is that even a word?). Some of the most successful marriages I've ever known had to take a couple of tries to get going. After all, it's really none of my business anyway, and I should just as well butt-out.
But I CAN'T DO THAT! It bugs the absolute hell out of me every time I see this happen. People are not supposed to grow apart when they take a solemn vow to grow old together. They should feel that the most important promise of their life that was made before God (perhaps), their family and friends, and everything they hold dear to themselves, should be honored.
How seriously can anyone take you if you break the most important covenant of your life?
So it's bad enough when two people have decided, "This was a mistake, we should never have done this, let's call the whole thing off." What's even WORSE is when ONE of the two people decides, "I'm not doing this anymore, this is not what I thought it would be, I'm calling the whole thing off." So one partner is left holding bag, wondering what in the world just happened, and the other decides to just bail out on the relationship without making any attempt to honor their commitments, investments, or promises.
If you've read through a lot of this blog, you'll remember my definitions of good and evil. Committing this kind of selfish act that is purely for your own benefit and rips out the heart/soul/mind of your spouse ranks way up there as one of the most evil things one human being could do to another (keep in mind I'm not talking about abusive relationships here. If you are in danger, get out. End of story). How is someone who has dedicated years of effort, thoughts, time, resources, and themselves supposed to react when the relationship they've invested so much in is no more? What kind of torment would it be to try and go through the day-to-day routines of waking up, dealing with a job, coming home, eating alone, and go to bed with this huge, vacant hole in yourself. A half of your being has been ripped away (some would argue it was never really there in the first place, but that doesn't make it hurt any less), and now you have to try and just get through day-to-day.
Existing. Not living. There's quite a difference there.
I can't even imagine how much pain this existence would suffer. I suspect it would be similar to the grieving process of losing a loved one. All the same elements are there. You've lost someone or something that you've invested a lot of yourself in. Denial, Rage, Sorrow, Acceptance, and eventually this too shall pass. I can accept and understand in my head that this is how the story is supposed to go, but I can't really imagine how difficult that road would be, or how a human being could force another to go through this!!!
Or can I? Certainly anyone with half a heart and half a conscience could never do this to someone else. But if you only HAVE half of a heart, you could never truly understand what this would do to someone with a whole heart. So you could never really feel or predict the kind of pain and sorrow you'd inflict, and since your focus is so much on your own wants and 'needs' and what you want from life in the first place, why even bother with someone else's?
The more I consider it, this scenario is all but inevitable with these types of people. They will continually get into relationships time and again with the same out-come every time. They are seeking to fill a void within themselves (probably searching for that other half of their heart), and are unable to. They THINK they've found it for a time, and things work well for a while. But inevitably they discover this vast emptiness within themselves again (perhaps both within AND without), and continue to seek elsewhere all over again.
In the movie Cool Runnings, John Candy had a line that spoke directly to this.
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough of a man without it, you'll never be enough with it."
I think that a marriage would work the same way. If you're not enough of a person as an individual before getting married, you'll never be enough after getting married. This rule works for both people. If you're going to BOTH commit yourselves to EACH OTHER for the rest of your lives, be certain that you're BOTH enough as INDIVIDUALS first. Because if you're not, and you haven't "found yourself" yet, if you don't truly know who you are, what you believe in, what you stand for, you are dooming yourself AND your spouse to something very close to hell. And this will last until you ARE able to be enough of a person.
"A house divided against itself can not stand." "There is no I in team." "It takes two to tango." "We must all hang together, or we will most assuredly hang separately." "The divine in me recognizes the divine in you."
All of these are good, but insignificant when you stand before God (hopefully), your family, your friends, and everything you hold dear, and solemnly swear, with joy in your heart . . . . . .
"I do"
But I CAN'T DO THAT! It bugs the absolute hell out of me every time I see this happen. People are not supposed to grow apart when they take a solemn vow to grow old together. They should feel that the most important promise of their life that was made before God (perhaps), their family and friends, and everything they hold dear to themselves, should be honored.
How seriously can anyone take you if you break the most important covenant of your life?
So it's bad enough when two people have decided, "This was a mistake, we should never have done this, let's call the whole thing off." What's even WORSE is when ONE of the two people decides, "I'm not doing this anymore, this is not what I thought it would be, I'm calling the whole thing off." So one partner is left holding bag, wondering what in the world just happened, and the other decides to just bail out on the relationship without making any attempt to honor their commitments, investments, or promises.
If you've read through a lot of this blog, you'll remember my definitions of good and evil. Committing this kind of selfish act that is purely for your own benefit and rips out the heart/soul/mind of your spouse ranks way up there as one of the most evil things one human being could do to another (keep in mind I'm not talking about abusive relationships here. If you are in danger, get out. End of story). How is someone who has dedicated years of effort, thoughts, time, resources, and themselves supposed to react when the relationship they've invested so much in is no more? What kind of torment would it be to try and go through the day-to-day routines of waking up, dealing with a job, coming home, eating alone, and go to bed with this huge, vacant hole in yourself. A half of your being has been ripped away (some would argue it was never really there in the first place, but that doesn't make it hurt any less), and now you have to try and just get through day-to-day.
Existing. Not living. There's quite a difference there.
I can't even imagine how much pain this existence would suffer. I suspect it would be similar to the grieving process of losing a loved one. All the same elements are there. You've lost someone or something that you've invested a lot of yourself in. Denial, Rage, Sorrow, Acceptance, and eventually this too shall pass. I can accept and understand in my head that this is how the story is supposed to go, but I can't really imagine how difficult that road would be, or how a human being could force another to go through this!!!
Or can I? Certainly anyone with half a heart and half a conscience could never do this to someone else. But if you only HAVE half of a heart, you could never truly understand what this would do to someone with a whole heart. So you could never really feel or predict the kind of pain and sorrow you'd inflict, and since your focus is so much on your own wants and 'needs' and what you want from life in the first place, why even bother with someone else's?
The more I consider it, this scenario is all but inevitable with these types of people. They will continually get into relationships time and again with the same out-come every time. They are seeking to fill a void within themselves (probably searching for that other half of their heart), and are unable to. They THINK they've found it for a time, and things work well for a while. But inevitably they discover this vast emptiness within themselves again (perhaps both within AND without), and continue to seek elsewhere all over again.
In the movie Cool Runnings, John Candy had a line that spoke directly to this.
"A gold medal is a wonderful thing, but if you're not enough of a man without it, you'll never be enough with it."
I think that a marriage would work the same way. If you're not enough of a person as an individual before getting married, you'll never be enough after getting married. This rule works for both people. If you're going to BOTH commit yourselves to EACH OTHER for the rest of your lives, be certain that you're BOTH enough as INDIVIDUALS first. Because if you're not, and you haven't "found yourself" yet, if you don't truly know who you are, what you believe in, what you stand for, you are dooming yourself AND your spouse to something very close to hell. And this will last until you ARE able to be enough of a person.
"A house divided against itself can not stand." "There is no I in team." "It takes two to tango." "We must all hang together, or we will most assuredly hang separately." "The divine in me recognizes the divine in you."
All of these are good, but insignificant when you stand before God (hopefully), your family, your friends, and everything you hold dear, and solemnly swear, with joy in your heart . . . . . .
"I do"
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